In Berlin

After spending the last hour and a-half wandering the rainy, windy streets of Berlin, desperately searching for a cafe or something that has free wireless internet, I have finally conceded and am trying to dry off and warm up at a non-free-wifi cafe. I have been trying to skype my friend Casey for the last 24 hours, but it seems that a force greater than me will not allow it. It's frustrating. In my defeat I decided to breakdown and go to Starbucks. I know there are many good reasons to boycott the bucks, but I just like Starbucks so much. It has such a nice atmosphere and I can hardly resist their christmas gingerbread lattes. I'm not allowing myself to convert how much my tall christmas treat costs in czech crowns or u.s. dollars, what's the point? I know it's entirely over-priced for warm milk, espresso and flavored syrup. Anyhow, this is not what I wanted to write about...

I'm in Berlin this week with 6 of my high school students for a Model United Nations Conference at the somewhat famous John F. Kennedy School in Berlin. Most of the students that attend JFK come from families in the foreign service. Hilary Clinton has spoken at graduation among others. The students all seem to speak perfect american-english and perfect german-german! Not that I'm an expert, but they sound pretty german to me. All the teachers I've met are really interesting. I've met a number of American teachers who have lived all over the place, many of whom have finally settled here in Berlin. I love how multi-cultural this city is. There is so much history. The people are very friendly - well, for the most part, one guy did ride his bike directly into me, because I was accidently walking on the bike path on a busy sidewalk. It's so clean, yet it's still an artistic and culturally rich city. I love so much that I can go into any cafe, bar or restaurant and it's completely smoke free!

I feel normal here. I actually fit in because I'm different, because I'm a foreigner. People seem so much more open and accepting, they don't stare at me because I speak english or because I'm smiling. I've actually had strangers smile at me here - and they weren't even trying to hit on me! One older woman was walking her dog who started going nuts and jumping up and down trying to drink the rain that was spilling off the roof of a building. It was funny, especially since he was a big shaggy-dog. I couldn't help, but smile - then the most bizarre thing happened. The owner of the dog made eye contact with me and smiled too! We shared a smile and nodded our heads in amusement over her shaggy dog. It was so nice! It suddenly didn't feel as cold. She didn't glare at me because I was looking at her and her dog and she didn't look quickly at the ground with a grimace when she noticed me smiling. She didn't even stop her dog and hurry him along because a stranger was there. Instead she calmly enjoyed the moment with a perfect stranger! And both of us were happier because of it.

I wish people smiled all over the world. I wish everyone was friendly and not just worried about themselves. it's something we all struggle with. It's so easy to become completely focused on yourself and see all others as either obstacles to your happiness and/or stepping blocks to success. It's so sad. After all, what's the point of life? To be rich and successful? To be beautiful? To have many lovers? To have only one lover? Will any or all of that really fulfill you? Of course, being poor and struggling to make ends meet doesn't sound very fulfilling either. The easy christian answer is to live for God and do what God wants you to do and you will be fulfilled, but that's not easy at all! Or even necessarily true. It's hard to follow God - how do you know what God wants? So many people just do what they want, think and feel and label it as "God's will". Of course, it feels right because it's what you want, but when it doesn't work out it's either Satan's fault or we simply say, "Well, God works in mysterious ways". Even the bible says, "Who can know the mind of God?" (I don't know the exact verse). Furthermore, even if you sell everything you own and work to help the poor and forget yourself completely - it's not easy. Mother Theresa and a number of saints said they struggled their whole life. Many of them couldn't even feel God anymore.

There are no easy answers. There's no life-instruction manual. The bible doesn't count, it's a good book and I believe it's the inspired word of God, but it's not clear. One of my favorite scenes from the SImpson's movie is when Homer grabs a bible and is searching through it and yells, "There are no answers in this thing!!" People so desperately want answers and rules that they try to make them and claim they come from the bible or doctrine or a Pastor/Priest, etc. They become dogmatic about it. Yet, in truth there are a number of topics that the bible simply doesn't clarify. The bible does not talk hardly at all about sex or abortion or gender or homosexuality or marriage. In fact, in the few instances where it does, it is often very specifically cultural to those times and cannot easily be made into absolute statements for all people in all ages and cultures through out time. It just doesn't make it clear and furthermore, it doesn't give priority to any of these issues.

I think about what a big deal people make about pre-marital sex. One would think not having sex before marriage is more important then helping the poor or simply serving and loving others, because that's what so many churches focus on - not having sex! I've heard of a number of christian couples who have major problems having sex after they get married because it is so incredibly ingrained in their head that sex is bad. They can't even enjoy it once they're married. And yet, how many sermons did Jesus preach about not having pre-marital sex? zero. And that's just one small example of the social issues we try to indoctrinate claiming it's what the bible says! Putting so much focus on issues that are simply not as important as loving your neighbor, giving to the poor or using your talents to the best of your ability for the good of all.

I think I will struggle with religion my whole life and I think it's a good thing. I hope I never think I have all the answers and know everything about God. That would be terrible and really impossible, I would only be lying to myself and others. For me, I try my best to love God as much as possible - more and more each day and to love others and even to love myself with God's love. I don't think it's possible to love others and even God if I don't love myself and I think the hardest person to honestly love is yourself - at least for me. After all, who knows your faults better than you? Deep down I have a track record of all the stupid things I've done, all the wrongs I've committed, all the stupid mistakes I have made. And each day that record increases. It's so hard to forgive myself each day and love myself with God's love so that I may forgive others and love others with God's love. Plus, it's so important not to focus on myself, but to be thinking of others and how to help them - genuinely - not just out of "christian duty". That's the worst kind of help - out of duty. It's so artificial and then you are just doing it for yourself. It's hard to love others too. I couldn't help, but call the biker who rammed into my back in front of my students an asshole. I mean, lets face it, if you look in a dictionary under the word asshole that biker's picture is probably there. Still, I shouldn't have called him that. I shouldn't have even thought it. I mean really, what would Jesus have done? He probably would have prayed for the biker and gone on with his day. He wouldn't have said to his disciples, "What an asshole!!"... I have such a long way to go...

So, I'm learning to take each day at a time. To be patient and pray a lot. I still argue with God a lot in my prayers and just ask so many questions. I try to plead with God to do things my way. I try to convince God that I need to move back to California or I need to be healthy and not sick. I've been praying to be healthy since August and yet, I'm still sick. Each month I get some new illness. It's so frustrating. No matter how much I pray about it, stay in doors, eat lots of garlic, vitamin C and soup, I'm still sick. So, should I dwell on it in anger and frustration or should I just keep going? You're right, I should cry about it... ;) I did plead with God A LOT to have Barack Obama win the Presidency and it actually happened! I'm sure the only reason he was elected was because of my fervent prayers and pleads to God.

Alright, well my socks are almost dry. Yep, I took off my boots and socks and laid them over the heater by my table. So, I'm sitting barefoot in Starbucks around all the fancy dressed well-to-do yuppies (I know, I'm kind of one of them, despite my bare-feet). Time to continue my search for free wifi. Come on God, it's really important! Please help me find free wifi! Trust me...